Late Night Thoughts…

I fell asleep rather early tonight, which is why I’m awake now. I’m usually either getting up right now to use the restroom, or sleeping. Tonight, though, I’m having some trouble getting back to sleep. This is going to sound like one very long, sad, crazy post, but hey, it’s my blog, right? So, here are my late night thoughts…Enjoy.

I found a link to Disturbed front man’s version of “Sounds of Silence” with just vocals. I found myself in literal tears…Strange, yeah? So, I try to figure out how to download that version as well as the one with the music. Instead, I find myself downloading apps that don’t work the way they should, so I give up. My daughter says, “Um, you do realize you can look up loops on YouTube, right?” Thanks, teenage daughter, no. lol I start listening to that on a one hour loop, but find that I just can’t go back to sleep, even with an amazing song in my ears.

So, I jump on Facebook…So boring most times, and especially at 2 AM. I find myself on my mom’s page…Reading old posts from the last three years that I’ve put on her wall. I come across a post where I’ve placed this video:

I’ve steadily been in tears ever since. I can’t stop listening… She SHOULD be here. She would only be 64 this year, way too young to be gone. She should be here watching my kids grow up. I should be able to reach her by phone, see her smiling face, hear her voice… She should be here to listen to Sierra sing, she sings so beautifully…just like mom. She can pick out the alto line in any song without a thought, just finds it, and sings it. My mom could do that, too.

She should be here, helping me through my health issues, yep, I’m that selfish.

I forgave the idiot that hit her a while ago, but tonight I’m finding extra hate in my heart with her name on it. Why did she get in that car on that November morning? WHY? Why did my mom have to leave on time? Just to meet up with this dumb person, who obviously didn’t know how to drive properly, or check her blind spots. Hitting my mom on the side of her Nissan Versa and spinning her into the barrier and onto it’s side…I still can’t look at those cars without wanting to bawl. Especially the silver ones. Insta-tears. No kidding.

I never got to say goodbye. She gets to continue raising her kids, though. She got to go home last June, and join her family, while my kids live without their grandma, and I live without my mom. It’s seriously just not fair, and yes, I understand that life isn’t fair. I’m not stupid. I’m just completely heart broken. Besides one large scream for my husband on the day she died, I’ve held it together pretty fucking well, if you were wondering. Nights like this don’t come often, but when they do, I try to get out more of that pent up anger, sadness, and all the other junk for whatever time I have left before it comes back.

I’m 37, almost 38, and I still need my mommy… Might not be the most adult thing I’ve ever said, but it’s definitely the most pressing thing on my mind right now, at almost 3 am. I literally have been listening to this song for probably 30 minutes. The tears aren’t falling down in a river anymore, thankfully. I can’t afford to dehydrate myself, no need for a hospital visit (Google ileostomy, and you’ll understand the dehydration worries). I’m trying to be quiet and not wake my kids or let my husband hear me. I don’t need to burden anyone else tonight.

I just want to see her one more time. Hear her talk, laugh, tell her all of the things she’s missed. My boys will have very limited memories, thanks to Star…. Such a celestial name for someone who laughed and joked, pointed at me and laughed, gave me horrid looks at every hearing, and throughout the trial, you know, until the end when she was “Oh  so sorry…” while she cried her fake tears. Those tears were because you were afraid for yourself, not for what you did! Sick. I’ve chosen to forgive you for some odd reason, more for me than for you.

But,

Like that Reddit subgroup or whatever it’s called *I’m old*…

Let’s Not Meet Again.

To my mom…

Gosh I miss you…I love you, I need you more than ever. I don’t believe in Heaven any longer, nor the god that supposedly chooses the life you live and lose. But wherever you are, I hope you’re proud of me.

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